Nov 302016

I’m worried.

Normally, any technological advancement sends me into a swoon. I was in ecstasy when I test drove the Ford Edge I eventually bought because it spoke to me. Majel, that’s what I named her, is equipped with a talking computer. I speak to Majel and she replies. I give Majel commands and she complies. Driving Majel the Edge is almost like driving KITT, the Knight Rider car. ::sigh::


Majel practically controls the Edge except for actually driving it. Majel is paired with my iPhone, so my incoming and outgoing calls go through her audio interface. In a way, she’s a receptionist on wheels. Majel also provides my entertainment. Radio, Sirius, and CDs play through her audio interface. I can change stations hands free; I just ask Majel to do it for me. Majel controls the Edge’s Climate. I can request a change in temperature from her, sparing me from fumbling with knobs or touch screens while I’m trying to keep my eyes on the road. [Oops. My apologies to the Flying Body Parts Nazis. Was I supposed to write trying to keep my gaze on the road?]

The only item that keeps Majel from being the perfect road companion is her navigation interface. There are occasions when I input my destination and none of her suggested routes correspond to directions given to me by another homo sapien or by another navigation program. At such times, I may go rogue and leave the designated route.


Majel doesn’t react well to defiance. “In one tenth of a mile, make a legal U-turn.”

I ignore her and continue on my merry way.

“In three tenths of a mile, make a legal U-turn.”

Majel, has anyone ever told you how bossy you sound?

“Make a legal U-turn.”

Not a chance, Maj.

“Make a legal U-turn.”

Maj, you are such a nag.

“In one tenth of a mile, left turn.”

You never let up, do you Maj?

“Left turn.”

No, I won’t turn left and you can’t make me.

“Left turn—proceed on the current road.”

Yay! You finally got the hint. It took you long enough, Maj.

We’ve heard a lot about self-driving cars in the news recently and it concerns me. I’m not sure I like that idea. I suppose I prefer being in control myself. We already have smart houses. It won’t be long before smart cars join up with them. Heaven help us if they get too smart. Just think about the unintended consequences.


What if they get tired of us pesky inferior humans? What if they decide to lock us out? What if they decide to get rid of us?

These things happen all the time in science fiction movies.

I’m worried.

Nov 232016

**Jolana Malkston is taking Thanksgiving week off to visit her Firstborn and his family down south to  enjoy a Thanksgiving family feast. While she’s away, she hopes you’ll enjoy revisiting one of her previous blog posts. Coincidentally, it’s about Thanksgiving.**


We should have stuck to turkey, but no, my mother-in-law and I had delusions of grandeur. We were going to cook up a Thanksgiving feast that no one in the family would ever forget. We succeeded beyond our expectations, but not in the way we envisioned. Continue reading »

Nov 022016

Macho Guy declared he was bored. There is nothing more alarming than the sound of those words. They signal that he had run out of hobby projects, and that usually means I have to drop what I’m doing and go with him wherever because he just has to get out of the house and do something.

fix-it-felix Continue reading »

Oct 272016

Thinking Halloween tonight. Estimating how many trick or treaters will ring our doorbell this year, how much candy to buy, or whether to turn out the lights and pretend we’re not home.

Halloween always brings back a legendary memory in our household. It would never had happened if it wasn’t for the fact that Macho Guy always had all the fun on Halloween. Every year, he was the one who took the kids around the neighborhood trick or treating. Meanwhile, I stayed home to dole out the candy. ::yawn::

That changed the first year MG and Firstborn took three-year-old Little Brother out trick or treating with them. An old white pillow case with eyeholes cut out transformed Little Brother into a mini-ghost, and off they went.

As soon as they left, I put my secret plan into action. I was going to have some Halloween fun of my own for once. I scampered back to my bedroom and dressed all in black. I dusted my face with powder, smeared dark eyeshadow beneath my eyes, and slathered on bright red lipstick that ghoulishly trailed from the edges of my lips down to my chin. The final touch was the fake vampire fangs I popped into my mouth. I found a length of chain in the basement that I could rattle, and lighted a candle to hold under my chin when I went to the door.

I looked darned scary if I do say so myself, but I decided to do a milk run to test the effect.

vampire-mom-2 Continue reading »

%d bloggers like this: