Apr 292014

Jolana Malkston 4Grown men do not exist. In fact, men do not exist, period.Only old boys exist.

Boys grow taller, boys grow older and boys grow grayer, but boys never really grow up and they never outgrow their childhood lust for toys. Of necessity, the toys grow bigger and bigger and more and more expensive. No matter. There must be toys—old boys’ toys.

Take that old boy Macho Guy for example. He collects very upscale model cars. His collection takes up two curio cabinets and a wall in his home office, and a lighted display cabinet that he mounted on the wall in our foyer so visitors cannot possibly miss seeing items from his collection. The cabinet doesn’t match any decor in the foyer. It just hangs there on the wall, like a recently executed corpse, as a deterrent to other unsightly furnishings that might consider cluttering the foyer.

I’ve lost count of how many different sets of golf clubs Macho has purchased since we married, not counting the annual purchases of the driver and putter of the year that he absolutely must have. He says a mature fellow like him has to buy his golf game. According to our credit card statements, the charitable fellow may be buying everyone else’s game too.

The number of golf clubs he owns pales in comparison to the number of power tools he possesses. Tim Allen would be so proud. Whatever task must be performed, Macho has a power tool for it, and Sears is his favorite power tool toy store of record. Like Norm of Cheers fame, everyone knows Macho Guy’s name in the Sears Craftsman Tools Department. Consumers Energy adores my Macho Guy and his power tool obsession too. Our monthly energy bill attests to that.

Old Boys can be pretty tricky about obtaining and hanging onto a toy once it is in their possession. Case in point, The Riding Mower Sting. Macho Guy had a perfectly good John Deere riding mower plus trailer. After a few years, he decided it was no longer good enough. He saw a professional riding mower and lusted after it the way I lust after chocolate. I said he didn’t need two riding mowers; our lawn isn’t all that big. He swore he would sell the Deere after he bought the X-Mark. He whined and wheedled and bargained until I caved. After he bought the X-Mark, with a cup holder installed for his drink while he mowed, I asked when he would advertise the Deere for sale. It was then he revealed his treachery. He said it wouldn’t be possible to sell the Deere because he needed a riding mower with a trailer, which the Deere had but the X-Mark was not equipped to tow. I was positive he knew that all along and concealed it from me in order to get his way and obtain yet another old boy toy. J’accuse! He refused to confess, of course.

Next came the Cushman Scooter, a miniature motorcycle. He salivated all over his computer keyboard every time he lusted after it on eBay. I was opposed; he was in favor. He won. The Cushman was a sickly yellow. Macho Guy took it apart, restored it, and in the process changed the paint color from yellow to red. He lovingly took photos of every phase of the restoration. I’m not certain, but I believe they outnumber the photos in our wedding album.

That brings us to today and the eight hour round trip drive to Cleveland, Ohio for Macho Guy to trade in his Jeep and return home with his newest old boy toy. The price was right and it was located within driving distance. He found it online while he was trolling for another old boy toy to add to his collection. It’s an instantly recognizable and classic old boy toy, an icon of Macho’s younger days and still a household word.


Macho Guy is now the giddy owner of a metallic red 2006 Ford Mustang GT Convertible. To say he is happier than a hog in slop would be an understatement. I hope it lasts, well, I hope it lasts longer than his other old boy toy infatuations.

My biggest worry is that a Lear Jet will be the next old boy toy on his lust list. I’m not sure the fact that we can’t afford one will be a determining factor.

  7 Responses to “Old Boys’ Toys”

  1. I seriously believe that there’s a secret about the boy with the most toys winning something… of course they would say the same to us about shoes!

  2. A Mustang? We had one of those. My favorite car ever! But I digress. Mine has his share of toys too. And stories about why he can’t part with ANY of them! Must have something to do with that Y chromosome. Which one doctor explained to me is sort of a birth defect! Sorry, Guys.

    • You’re correct about the Y chromosome, Margo. Actually, it’s a damaged X chromosome with a piece missing so it resembles a Y. I believe that missing piece is the part that controls brain development. As Margo said: Sorry, Guys. 😉

  3. I always get the “I don’t have the right (something) to do the job. I’ll have to get a (something). Always an excuse to buy something. he he. Men and their tools are fun to watch. Especially when putting on the apron and “cooking” dinner on the grill.

  4. We got rid of the snowmobiles when we moved 7 years ago, as they wouldn’t fit in the garage. The motorcycle is still here. Pretty sure it doesn’t run anymore. I would love the Mustang! It was my first car love and I’ve not gotten one yet. You should buy yourself something new, expensive, and sporty to wear when riding in it.

    • Alas, I was born without the shop-till-you-drop gene, Lucy. However, since Macho Guy bought himself another car, I suppose I could buy myself another computer gadget. I do so love my computer gadgets. 🙂

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