The Curse of the Malevolent New Year’s Resolution #NewYearResolutions

Don’t do it, I beg of you. Don’t make any New Year’s resolutions. They are malevolent, the kiss of death. You’ll be sorry if you–oh. You did already? Too bad. The harder you try, the harder it will be to keep them.

You don’t believe me? Let me ask you something. In the past, how many New Year’s Resolutions have you managed to keep?

Really? You can count them on the fingers of one hand? And you don’t need all the fingers?

Yeah, me too.

New Year’s Resolutions are a jinx. The moment the words, “I resolve” bound over your tongue and do a reverse cannonball off your lips, you’re doomed. Speaking those words aloud makes you crave to do the very opposite of whatever it was that you resolved to do or not to do.

I once resolved to get more exercise in the new year. I bought exercise DVDs for working out at home. I was so gung ho at first that I even went to work out at a gym for women a couple of times a week for, oh, a couple of weeks, I guess. My resolve didn’t last for long. Months later, I realized the gym I joined closed and moved to a new location without notifying me, and my exercise DVDs became so dust-covered, I couldn’t find them. I haven’t been able to locate them in years.

Another year, I resolved to eat healthier–no junk food, no processed food, no fried food, no gooey deserts, no candy–not even chocolate (gasp!), and nothing that tastes remotely good. You know the drill. It meant cooking from scratch with daily purchased fresh ingredients from the market. I almost made it to the end of the week.

Then there were the resolve to diet years. Remember the grapefruit diet? The water diet? The Adkins Diet? Don’t forget the South Beach Diet, and heaven knows how many others I’ve resolved to try every year. My resolve never lasts. If anything I gain weight the harder I try to lose it. I have had some success on and off with Weight Watchers, depending on the status of my will power. Unfortunately, I am powerless against sweets. Chocolate and cookies are my kryptonite.

This year, I haven’t made any New Year’s Resolutions that I won’t be able to keep. However, if I were to make a resolution I believe I could keep, it would be to eat as many dark chocolate truffles as I can get my hands on. I know I have a darn good shot at keeping that one.

May we all resolve to have a happy–and sweet–2017!