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Serious Whimsy » Jolana Malkston » Page 33
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Apr 012014
 

Jolana Malkston 4It has been a long time since I had a schoolgirl crush. [It has also been a long time since I was a schoolgirl, but that’s beside the point.]

My eighth grade teacher Nathan Levine was the only one of my teachers up to that grade level who happened to be male, and a very good-looking male at that even though he wore glasses. He was tall, had blue eyes, light brown hair, a fun sense of humor and a devastating smile. All the female teens and almost teens [like me] in the class were all agog, and they suddenly began bathing daily and dressing to the nines for school.

The day I joined the Cult of Mr. Levine Worshippers was the day we got a graded creative writing assignment back. I loved to write even more than I loved to read. I was ecstatic to receive an A+. Right beneath the letter grade was a note that read, “Very good dialogue!”

At this point, I must reveal my ignorance back then. I did not know what the word dialogue meant. I was a voracious reader from age four on. I saw quotation marks around the words spoken by characters in the books I read, but I didn’t know the terminology for those spoken words.

I was curious to learn what the word dialogue meant so I went up to Mr. Levine after class and asked. He explained, pointing to the words enclosed in quotation marks, and then he told me that he believed I was a very talented writer. My heart nearly burst with joy, and in that moment Mr. Levine became my dream man.

I worshiped him from afar, of course. I believe Mr. Levine must have imprinted on me a preference for men with both intelligence and charm, because as I matured I could not abide the company of men without those qualities. I spent many a Saturday night home alone with a good book. Unlike some dates, a good book never disappoints.

Flash forward to March 9, 2014. I turned on the television to watch Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey. I sat back, a passenger on the Ship of the Imagination, entranced by the series host, astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Wow. Talk about charisma. Tyson has it by the ton.

In addition to all that charisma, he’s brilliant. He holds a B.A. in Physics from Harvard and a Ph.D. in Astrophysics from Columbia University. He is the Frederick P. Rose Director of the Hayden Planetarium at the American Museum of Natural History. He is also tall, good-looking, has bedroom eyes and has the most engaging smile. [Try not to smile back at him. I double-dog-dare you.]

In the November 14, 2000 issue of People Magazine, the magazine’s annual “Sexiest Man Alive” issue, Tyson was voted “Sexiest Astrophysicist Alive.” They sure got that right. Even his name sounds sexy. 🙂

Yeppers. You guessed it. Watching Cosmos brought out the schoolgirl in me again, and I have a brand new crush: Neil deGrasse Tyson, Ph.D.

I loved the way Tyson explained the makeup of our universe in terms other viewers and I could understand easily, and he did it without talking down to us. I loved his enthusiasm for his subject matter. I loved the fact that he didn’t try to disguise how much fun he was having in sharing his knowledge with us. And I loved the way he used his irresistible charm to make the science of astrophysics captivating—and even sexy.

Tyson is so appealing a presence that it raises my hopes that he just might be the one to encourage young people to aspire to be rock star scientists instead of rock star musicians. Miracles can and do happen.

I’ve watched every episode of Cosmos so far, and I watched them more than once since Cosmos is shown on both the Fox and National Geographic channels but on different nights of the week. Waiting for the next new voyage on the Ship of the Imagination makes a week seem so much longer than seven days and it tries my patience.

Be still my heart; it’s only Tuesday. From my vantage point, it will take freaking forever for Sunday night to get here so I can continue to worship Neil deGrasse Tyson, Ph.D., from afar. How will I stand the strain?  ::sigh::

Mar 252014
 

Jolana Malkston 4Macho Guy was at it again, resurrecting his campaign to deformalize our formal living room. I’ve stood my ground for years against his assault on good taste, but I fear he’s wearing me down and gaining ground. Guyification is slyly creeping throughout our house.

It has never been enough for him that he guyified the family room in the lower level. Guyified is putting it mildly. The entire L-shaped family room is nothing less than Macho Guy’s man cave walled from floor to ceiling with dark brown textured wood paneling, so dark I’m tempted to hand out flashlights to visitors. The only thing missing from those dark walls are prehistoric cave drawings. In their place, Macho Guy hung several guyification-friendly works of metal art. [That’s not a typo. I meant to write the word art.]

Macho Guy modified the middle section of the built-in bookshelves on the wall at the top end of the L into a man cave entertainment center to house a 48-inch widescreen HDTV and additional electronic components. [Had the midsection of the bookshelf wall been wider, I’m certain he would have brought home a 60-inch HDTV at the very least.]

According to Macho Guy, the invention of the recliner and the remote control were the second-highest points in engineering and manufacturing history. [The automobile was the highest, of course.] As a consequence, the seating arrangement facing the Man Cave Mega TV is comprised entirely of overstuffed motion furniture. Everything reclines; everything has a footrest. Feet may not touch the floor unless one intends to stand. Watching TV in anything other than a recliner with a remote control in hand is an extremely unsatisfying experience for Macho Guy and is to be avoided at all costs.

The fireplace is at the other end of the L. It is not possible for me to sit in a cozy chair and read while enjoying its warmth because there is no room for a cozy chair. A pool table takes up that room. It spans the area from a few feet in front of the fireplace to the bottom of the L. There is a designated no-furniture easement surrounding the pool table so players have enough room to extend their pool cues while shooting. Hence no place for cozy chairs anywhere in that vicinity. A poolroom triple light fixture hangs above the pool table. A “Billiards” sign and a pool cue rack adorn the cave wall beside it and bar stools line said wall. The entire family room, aka man cave, oozes testosterone.

Unfortunately, Macho Guy didn’t stop there. We have a small galley kitchen beside the family room at the bottom of the L. Macho Guy invaded it, ignoring my wifely sovereignty over all things kitchen. He annexed the counter space and two cupboards in the refrigerator alcove and proclaimed them his bar. He provisioned it with myriad bar essentials and nonessentials and a huge canister of mixed nuts. The nuts were appropriate, considering.

I’m a basically non-violent person who avoids confrontation whenever and wherever possible. I decided the family room, aka man cave, wasn’t the combat hill I was prepared to die on, so I ceded “the bar” and family room decoration rights to Macho Guy with the understanding that he would keep his paws off my formal living and dining rooms. He agreed to the terms I proposed. A year ago, I felt the first rumblings from Macho Guy that would eventually lead to outright treaty violation.

When we moved into our current abode a number of years ago and bought living room furniture, he tried to convince me then to allow him to put a great big honking La-Z-Boy recliner in the living room beside whatever formal furniture I might want to buy. Oh yeah. Sure I would. Uh-huh. When roosters lay eggs.

Conflict ensued and I went into peacemaker mode. I proposed a compromise. I suggested that we buy a La-Z-Boy Americana suite of living room furniture that included a couch, a loveseat and a matching wing back recliner that didn’t look like a recliner. The footrest tucked under the seat out of sight and there were no handles or push buttons to make it recline so it wouldn’t stand out like boils on Job’s backside.

Macho Guy balked, he whined, he sulked and he nixed the Americana suite. He didn’t like anything remotely Early American or wingback chairs in particular. He wanted a real recliner, one that takes up half the room it is in and makes the other half disappear when its occupant reclines and the footrest extends. Nope. No way. Not going to happen.

I switched to psychological warfare mode. We strolled through the furniture store, and I pretended to swoon over one outrageously ugly suite of furniture after another. I swore I couldn’t live without the ugliest of all. I don’t know what I would have done had he liked it. Fortunately he didn’t. He appeared concerned and steered me back to the Americana suite. He said he wanted to sit in the wingback to see if it was comfortable. Gotcha! We bought the Americana suite.

Flash forward to last year. Macho Guy wants a new recliner—a real recliner—for the living room. Here we go again.

He swears the wingback recliner is out to kill him. He claims that when he reclines, the chair tilts too far back and almost pitches him through the window. Oh really? After all these years, the chair is trying to kill him. Seriously, I knew exactly how the chair felt.

I also knew I was going back into combat. Macho Guy was marshaling his forces. A guyification attack was imminent.

Guilt was Macho Guy’s choice of weapon. Was having a formal living room more important than his safety? Didn’t I care that he was in danger every time he sat in the wingback and reclined? Did I want him to die? I didn’t trust myself to answer.

I went chair shopping with him under the condition that I had veto power. I exercised it four times. Finally, we compromised on a chair we could both live with, a slightly larger and sturdier leather wingback recliner with a hidden footrest. Its color matched the dark cherry coffee and lamp tables. War averted.

I thought that one would be the last of the creeping guyification skirmishes. Wrong. About a week ago, Macho Guy began whining that it was hard to follow sports on the 32-inch screen of the nine-year-old Sony Trinitron TV in our living room. The set has a great picture and is still going strong. Despite that, he confessed that he’s been trolling through electronic stores for a replacement. Guyification Alert!

I suppose I knew what he had in mind before he admitted it. He wanted a widescreen LCD HD TV in the living room. I had better things to do with my time than argue, so this time I gave in to guyification without a struggle. Big mistake.

Until he set up Mega HDTV Junior in our once formal living room yesterday, I had no idea it would look so freaking enormous in there. It is soooo big. Why did I let him buy that gigantic thing?

It was long past time to put my foot down. I informed Macho Guy that I had enough of creeping guyification. I wouldn’t tolerate any more of it. I staged a pre-emptive strike by insisting that there would be no pool table, no Ping-Pong table, no poker table and no additional motion furniture in the living room. Period. And that is the hill I’m willing to die on.

It’s time for some serious girlification around here.

Mar 182014
 

Jolana Malkston 4For the past several years in January, February and early March, Macho Guy and I have wintered in the western end of the Florida Panhandle—which, unlike the rest of Florida, happens to be in the Central Time Zone. It takes a while to get used to the time shift. By the time we have reset our body clocks and are used to Central Time, our winter vacation is over and we have to pack our bags and return home.

This time around, going back to Eastern Time from Central Time turned out to be decidedly more difficult. The switch from Standard Time to Daylight Savings Time followed right on the heels of our return to Michigan. Losing two hours of time in quick succession made me feel as if I had jet lag.

For at least a week after Daylight Savings Time began, Macho Guy took great delight in setting Schnoodle Dog on me to get me out of bed in the morning. Trust me when I state that a cold wet Schnoodle nose beats out an irritating alarm clock buzzer every time.  If an alarm clock annoys me, I can shove it in a drawer, smash it or fling it across the room. No way could I or would I do that to make Schnoodle Dog stop poking his cold wet nose in my face or pulling the covers off me when I try to escape from contact with said cold wet nose. Macho Guy, the sadist, is acutely aware of that.

After being home a while, I find myself missing Central Time whenever I watch my favorite television shows at their usually scheduled times. When it comes to TV viewing, the Central Time Zone cannot be beat. I discovered this the first time I travelled across the Mississippi to the Corn Belt to meet Macho Guy’s family after we became engaged. I never realized how privileged Midwesterners were until his folks turned on their television. I learned then that they were able to see my favorite shows an hour earlier than I could in the Eastern Time Zone.

No fair.

This was rank discrimination against Easterners on the part of television broadcasters. I was filled with righteous indignation and a little envy. More than a little envy. More like a Seven Deadly Sins quality of Envy with a capital E.

Unlike me, Midwesterners didn’t have to endure syndicated game shows or repeats of reruns of old TV series at 7:00 p.m. For them, network prime time began at 7:00 p.m. What was the Eleven O’clock News back East was the Ten O’clock News in Central Time, which meant late night shows like The Tonight Show were broadcast at 10:35 p.m. instead of 11:35 p.m. In the Midwest, I could watch the entire Tonight Show without worrying that I wouldn’t be able to drag myself out of bed early the next morning to go to work. In the Eastern Time Zone, it still presented a problem.

Again, no fair.

I needed to find a way to fight back against this cruel injustice. As luck would have it, a group of unlikely heroes eventually came to my rescue. The techie geeks of the world took up this worthwhile cause by inventing gadgets to allow for time shifting TV viewing—first the VCR and then the DVR. They cured me of Central Time Zone Envy. Thanks to those time-shifting gadgets, I can watch what I want whenever I want and however many times I want no matter what time zone I happen to be in. And why not?

It’s only fair.

Mar 042014
 

Jolana Malkston 4If you’re a Christian, tomorrow is Ash Wednesday the first day of Lent, the longest and most arduous forty-day stretch in the calendar year. It’s a time for fasting and contemplation—sometimes of how long you can endure the fasting. If you’re not a Christian, and you see someone with a lean hungry look about her from tomorrow on, have pity.

As a youngster, the first time I was old enough to fast during Lent, I was encouraged to give up candy—chocolate specifically. I had no idea what going without chocolate for forty days would be like. After less than a week, I was ready to convert to any religion that did not require fasting.

Back then, I didn’t know anything about Mardi Gras. My family is of Italian descent. We didn’t do Mardi Gras because we didn’t have to. We ate every day as if it was Mardi Gras. So, you can imagine the difficulty Lent presented to us.

The first time I heard Mardi Gras referred to as Fat Tuesday, I didn’t get it. Why have two names for the same day, especially when one is more fitting than the other?

So what if Mardi Gras translated into English means Fat Tuesday? Mardi Gras is so continental, so exotic and sounds so sexy. Unless you understand French, you would never dream it means something as mundane as Fat Tuesday (Tuesday Fat, that is). Somehow something is lost in translation from the French. That certain something, that je ne sais pas quoi, doesn’t make it through.

For one thing, it’s so much more fun to say Mardi Gras, even if your French accent needs help. Before I studied French in college [most of which I’ve forgotten], I thought Mardi Gras was French for party—an extremely huge, wildly exciting, decadent and lengthy party.

Fat Tuesday is humdrum. It isn’t fun to say Fat Tuesday. It sounds like a cruel judgment: “You’re fat, Tuesday.” It’s not the least bit exciting, exotic or decadent. It doesn’t say party at all.

Lively Miss Mardi Gras dances through the streets chanting, “Feast today for tomorrow we fast.” From break of dawn to the stroke of midnight, everyone feasts on all manner of delectable creole favorites and other mouth-watering N’awlins goodies.

Mr. Fat Tuesday just lays around like a couch potato and says, “Stuff your faces, people; lent begins tomorrow.” The face stuffing generally involves whatever and whenever—no special feast.

In the USA, the premiere Mardi Gras celebration takes place in New Orleans and justly so. New Orleans and Mardi Gras were made for each other. People from all over the country travel to The Big Easy for Mardi Gras because Mardi Gras events elsewhere pale by comparison.

I believe many of those people would not be as willing to travel across the country to take part in a “Fat Tuesday” parade, or a “Fat Tuesday” costume ball, or wear a “Fat Tuesday” mask, or if young women would flash their bare bosoms for “Fat Tuesday” beads. Nah. Wouldn’t happen. The Mardi Gras magic simply isn’t there.

While I’m not fortunate enough to be in New Orleans today enjoying the festivities, you can believe I’m celebrating Mardi Gras and not Fat Tuesday. In true Mardi Gras tradition, we are feasting all day—Italian style, of course. Somebody pass the pasta, please.

Feb 252014
 

Jolana Malkston 4Snuck. Now there is an unpleasant, vulgar sounding word for you. Why would anyone with any class consider using it? Yes, we all know what it rhymes with. Eww. I say yuck to snuck.

I have no love for that ungainly and ungrammatical word, and I cannot abide its use. Just the sound of it makes my flesh crawl. For the life of me I cannot fathom how it managed to smuggle itself into the English lexicon.

I would love to travel back in time to meet the first person to use snuck instead of sneaked as the past and past participle of sneak. No, I would not shoot him or even slap him upside the head—I’m not a violent person—but I would wash his mouth out with soap for using foul language and convince him of the error of his ways.

Snuck makes no sense when you conjugate sneak. It should be sneak, sneaks, sneaking, sneaked, has sneaked, have sneaked, and so on. Snuck doesn’t fit the pattern: sneak, sneaks, sneaking, snuck—huh? No, no, no! What happened to eaked and where did uck come from? Unfortunately, no one seems to know. Even more unfortunately, no one seems to care.

Well, I care. So, let’s conduct a little experiment, shall we? I’m going to write a short paragraph using the past tense of verbs that end in eak. I’ll write it two ways. First, I’ll write it using the standard past tense for each verb that ends with the letters eak. Next, I’ll write it using a nonstandard uck tense for each verb ending in eak. Got it?

Standard: The kitchen door hinge squeaked while she was watching her favorite TV show. She turned down the volume and peaked over her shoulder. She was sure she locked that door. The kitchen floor’s loose boards creaked ominously under the weight of someone’s feet. Her face was streaked with tears. Someone had definitely sneaked into her house. She freaked out and called 9-1-1.

Nonstandard: The kitchen door hinge squuck while she was watching her favorite TV show. She turned down the volume and puck over her shoulder. She was sure she locked that door. The kitchen floor’s loose boards cruck ominously under the weight of someone’s feet. Her face was struck with tears. Someone had definitely snuck into her house. She fruck out and called 9-1-1.

See what I mean? If none of those eak verbs are acceptable or intelligible with an uck past tense, why should any English speaking human willingly accept snuck as the past tense of sneak?

For years, the Oxford Dictionary of English stood firm against snuck. The Oxford defied the conjugationally challenged masses and defended the purity of the English language from the barbarians at the gate who would savage it. The Oxford refused admittance to snuck. Thank Heaven for the Brits.

Here in the States, the Webster Dictionary people caved early on to vulgate usage. Webster’s included snuck in its pages as the accepted past tense of sneak. For shame, Webster’s, for shame. I hope Noah Webster never suffered from motion sickness, for surely he is spinning in his grave.

Here’s how the Oxford American Dictionary explains the usage of sneaked vs. snuck.

“The traditional standard past form of sneak is sneaked (she sneaked around the corner). An alternative past form, snuck (she snuck past me), arose in the U.S. in the 19th century. Until very recently, snuck was confined to U.S. dialect use and was regarded as nonstandard, but in the last few decades its use has spread, particularly in the U.S., where it is now generally regarded as a standard alternative to sneaked. In formal contexts, however, sneaked remains the preferred form.”

I definitely prefer sneaked to snuck. I only wish I were not in the minority. I am disheartened to report that the Oxford Dictionary of English (the British version) in a recent edition sounded an alarming note in its description of usage regarding sneaked vs. snuck:

“In the Oxford Reading Programme, there are now more US citations for snuck than there are for sneaked, and there is evidence of snuck gaining ground in British English also.”

Please say it isn’t so, Oxford. After learning that snuck is gaining ground in England, I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

Oh, the humanity. Wasn’t including ain’t in the dictionary more than enough for the English language to bear?

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