Jolana Malkston

I suppose it would be presumptuous of me to suggest to the clergy of Christian denominations everywhere that marriage vows are wanting in that the man’s vows lack an extremely important promise. Love, honor and cherish in sickness and in health till death us do part are important to be sure. Yet I firmly believe there should be a permanent addition to the man’s marriage vows.

The man should vow to be the spouse responsible for killing all manner of bugs, large or small, with or without wings, with or without venom, with or without stingers, bloodsuckers or not, wherever and whenever they may be found, day or night.

There is a very good reason behind that suggestion. Bugs creep the living daylights out of the average woman. Bugs even creep the living daylights out of the above-average woman.

Case in point: A few years ago, while having dinner in the kitchen with Macho Guy, I felt a stabbing pain at the back of my neck. [No, MG was not the pain in the neck I felt.] I cried out and swiped my hand hard across my nape. Continue reading »

The Home Depot is to Macho Guy as the Godiva Chocolate Shop is to me—a candy store. He walks through that big ol’ box store salivating over tools, lumber, and plumbing devices the same way I drool over dark chocolate truffles. The female do-it-yourselfers stride down Home Depot aisles with a sense of purpose. The male do-it-yourselfers stroll down Home Depot aisles with stars in their eyes. I suspect worshipping construction supplies is a guy thing.

Nothing pleases MG more than dragging me through Home Depot, with the occasional side trip to other big box stores such as Lowes and Menards. Visiting these shrines to do-it-yourself home improvement bores me no end, mainly because I have no dark chocolate truffles to show for that time suck when we pass through the exit doors. Now, if big box stores gave out free chocolate truffles at the door to the hapless wives of would-be Bob Vilas, I’d still wish I were somewhere else but I’d be a lot happier about being bored.

So it was with some trepidation that I listened to MG announce that he had a home improvement project in mind. Every married woman knows that such a project is yet another skirmish in the battle of the sexes. MG’s announcement was a call to arms, his taste vs. mine. I girded myself for war.